Now, All of this would be much simpler if I were a regular person.
BUT-I'm NOT, so all of this is 4 x's harder than it should be.
What's worse is that I'm taking it as if I am a regular person, because I feel like a regular person so I've always acted like a regular person, but as soon as reality hits me... I start crying.
I've been delaying signing up for classes, opening messages from my prospective room-mate because of the money issue.
I don't know how the heck we're going to do this.
My dad is under bankruptcy, my mother just started her credit (plus there's also the legal issues), and I have no job= no credit.
Now, who the heck will give us a loan? I have no clue...
But with my parents being the most irresponsible of all individuals, I will probably never have a clue.
Especially since they spread procrastination and irresponsibility to me.. recently.
I only made $500 in scholarships; yes, this is nice IF I were going on ah shopping spree, BUT $500 out of the $15,000 I have to pull out of my ass, is NOTHING.
Also, I've been procrastinating calling the school about my residency status, because they have me down as a non-resident, even though I've lived here my ENTIRE life! I AM NOT paying $30,000 for that crap. My parents don't even make $30,000!!!
What is also crappy is that I opened this message from my prospective room-mate- she sent me the housing application, and I don't even have half of all the crap they are asking for!
I mean, my dad's a Realtor, I'm sure he knows what to do, but when do I fucking ask him?He's always at work and money isn't the best subject to bring about (We'll talk or hours, he'll tell me there's no way in hell I can go to college, and I'll end up in tears- broken).u OR, I can just tell my room-mate everything I've never even told people who've known me forever, and then she can probably work something out.. BUT I WILL NOT tell her everything, the only person who knows is Marissa, and that took me courage x's 1,000 to tell her.
I swear, 3 days ago I cried from 2-5 o clock about this crap.
I'm so stressed out, I don't even know what to do. I'm going crazy, I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP, all I do is think about how I wish I were dead because I don't want to deal with all of this crap, when everyone I know has it 15 x's easier.

I'm nearing giving up and just going to a J.C , but then I think of all the money, out of MY own pocket- my own sweat- that I've already put into this college crap. Also, all of the 12 years of public schooling I had to endure with an A average. I WORKED TOO HARD. Anyone can get into a J.C, if I wanted to go to a J.C, I would have gotten the bare minimum of a 2.0 G.P.A in High School-fuck, I probably would have had to worked harder to get that than to get a 4.0. I also think of my younger siblings, they're already a mess, if anything, I'm the closest to a positive role model they have. That means a lot to me. Like when Walter asked me if I was for sure going to college, and I told him yes, and he said, "Good, I'm proud to call you my sister"= I nearly died of whatever feeling you get when you know someone's looking up to you.
I can hardly contain my tears- this is something I've wanted forever, and it probably means more to me than to the average American. I've never had anything, a parent, money, a family. All I've ever had was ME and the good feelings I've gotten  from helping others. Until recently, have I had a family. My siblings don't even recall how I was the one to raise them- but I do. That's all I ever did when I was younger, study and take care of my siblings.
I think, I want this more for them than for me. I tend to do things for other people, and I shouldn't. But I could really care less about me.

I can't give up- I don't want to give up.
But it's soo hard, I need somebody's help. I just need someone to cry to, all these bottled up feelings, and me hating speaking to people, showing my emotions.
Why am I like this? I guess I've just been discouraged because I've never really had anyone there.


Maybe Ryan's right.. I'm lonely.
he makes me feel as if everyone's a two-faced asshole, who I give too much to. He's the one that told me straight up that I'm a pushover. Him and Craig, the only difference is that Craig doesn't push me over.
Ugh, now I'm crawling into another subject. I think I'll call it a night.

Current Mood: crushed

I made this out of conformity.
I probably won't write in it much- I'm in love with xanga.

Current Location: in bed
Current Mood: tired